We have two readings today that are literally filled with things that bear great reflection. We are in Chapter 13 of Acts where the second part of Luke’s evangelical witness now turns almost exclusively to the Apostle Paul, who has been renamed in this chapter (13:9). He and Barnabas began their missionary journey in the reading from Wednesday and now, in today’s reading, they are in Antioch where Paul will give his first recorded discourse in Acts to the Jewish people there in their synagogue.
But we must choose where to focus between these two readings. The Gospel readings since yesterday have now returned to the Last Supper, where they will remain all this week and beyond, so let us focus on the Gospel for today from the beginning of John 14. In the previous chapter, Jesus washed the disciples’ feet, told them that one of them will betray him and that where he is going, they cannot follow now. Then, finally, he tells Peter, who proclaimed that he would follow Jesus even to death, that before the dawn arrives, he will have betrayed him three times.
We can only imagine what must have been the state of mind of the Apostles at this point. I am sure that they were in shock as well as fear and great dismay. As John states in his Gospel after Judas leaves, they have all descended into a dark night.
Yet Jesus tells them not to let their hearts to be troubled. I find this to be one of the Lord’s most compelling statements. He seems to be saying that whenever we are troubled, whenever we are upset or disturbed, it is we who have somehow allowed that to happen. In one of the major books of AA, The Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions written by AA’s founder Bill W., it states on page 92 that, “It is a spiritual axiom that every time we are disturbed, no matter what the cause, there is something wrong with us.” Some people misunderstand this statement in that they imagine it is implying one of the core sources of shame, a belief that there is something wrong with me. But I believe what Bill W. was saying is that this “wrong” he speaks of, is the being disturbed itself. The being disturbed is wronging us, as it were. Harming us. And that the harm is spiritual in its nature. It doesn’t mean that there is literally something wrong with us, but that we have allowed ourselves, somehow, to be harmed spiritually by allowing our hearts to be troubled.
Yet, if we are honest, we must admit that so many things disturb or trouble us. Rather than rattle off a list here, try making a list yourself about things that disturb you in any way. Be especially mindful about what causes you to take offence and what you worry about. Why do we allow the behavior of others to offend us? Why do we worry about things that may happen? We have absolutely no power or control over (not to mention responsibility for) the behavior of others and we have no power over anything in the future. But we desire to have that power.
I believe that Jesus meant that whenever we are troubled or disturbed, it is essentially because we did not get what we wanted, what we expected; and that we actually resent our powerlessness regarding these things. The answer, the spiritual answer, is to seek to let go of all our expectations and desires and simply accept what we are given, without judging it or labeling it (good; bad; desirable; undesirable) in any way. Accept everyone, along with everything that happens, as they are, not as we judge them to be. We are disturbed because we have judged that something must not be, that it cannot be tolerated, it cannot be accepted. If Jesus had done that, he would have never gone to the cross.
Jesus tells his very troubled disciples that he himself is the way, and the truth and the life. By following him, we will find our way as well, our true way and also the only way to the Father, as well as peace and the fulness of life. But it requires that we abandon our own way, what we want, what we think is good and follow only Jesus. That is what surrendering to God’s will means. We cease allowing our self to tell us what is good (what we want, really) and simply allow Jesus to show us. But until we come to believe that we do not know what is the good for us, that only God knows, we continue to impose our will and our illusionary power onto everything and everyone, which brings us only endless troubles. “Lose yourself and you will find yourself.”